I have looked forward to Ponnu’s 16th birthday ever since she turned 15. To me 16 is a milestone. A coming of age. A time to acknowledge that my child is an adult.
For months before her 16th birthday, I spent the gaps in a day when I could just be, wondering how I could make this day special.
I wanted to give her 16 bouquets, one for each year of her life. Accompanying each bouquet was a card, signed by her father and me, and a toy associated with that age. It was an arduous process getting cards for every birthday. I had no idea that most greeting card companies have special cards for just some birthdays like one, two, three, five, et al and not for every birthday that a child celebrates. After scouring many card shops, I decided to do it my way. So I began, what seems laughable now, counting out the pictures on the cards. For the fourth birthday card for instance, I went looking amongst the pile of cards in shops for pictures associated with children of that age. Either four balloons or four red coloured balls and did that for each age that did not have a birthday card to celebrate it. I got some quizzical, some funny glances from the sales guys at the shops as I went about counting pictures on birthday cards!
The next trip was to the florist to tell him how to deliver the bouquets. “You take just one bouquet at a time. After the first bouquet, wait for five minutes and then go upstairs and give the next one.” Luckily for me, the florist caught on to my idea and smiled a lot as I went about giving the instructions.
I ordered for a big cake that pronounced her age. I can still see myself walk down that road a few years ago, visiting many card shops, going about buying gifts and talking to the florist. It was so much fun.
Ponnu’s father could not contain his amusement at my enthusiasm. “Why are you making me sign so many cards,” he asked. A 16th birthday is momentous, I said, and we must make it memorable. He sat down to sign each of the 16 cards.
Ponnu was delighted with the many bouquets. When the first one arrived, she was surprised to read the card with it that said, Now You Are One Year Old. When the next bouquet arrived after five minutes, she realized the game plan. By the fourth bouquet, she decided to leave the door open and smiled at the florist come up the stairs and go down back again to get another bouquet.
Ponnu called me up and said the living room was transformed into a florist shop. I can recall the incredulous laughter in her voice, as I think back to that day. Her face splitting smile when I walked in, hugging her father, and showing off the various bouquets to her grandparents is vividly etched in memory. When the cake was being cut, I looked at my precious child, who was now a young lady.
With all the happiness, my mind threw a shadow. My daughter would soon be leaving home for studies, getting a job and then eventually get married. Ah, life!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
You Are Your Own Person
There are many tests, some difficult and some very excruciating, that a parent has to pass through so often in the relationship with her child. I think, it is necessary to do certain things, even if the parent is hurt in the process. In a child’s interest, it is worth crushing the parent’s ego.
As an adult, I have my share of folks I get along with very well and some that I don’t. When the latter comprises of relatives, it is a tough call as one cannot wish them away or walk away from them for keeps. They are there, just as I am.
I decided to keep these personal prejudices (they are just that most often) to myself and not let them colour my child’s view of people and the world around her. After all, I was given this opportunity to nurture her. I did not want to slip up knowingly.
It was not a pleasant task for me to tell Ponnu that this uncle or aunt of yours is nice, when I was not on talking terms with them. Of course, they are, never mind my perceptions. So I encouraged Ponnu to call them up and wish them on festivals, birthdays and whenever she felt like. If she expressed a desire to visit them, I could not accompany her there; but she was to accompany her father or cousins and drop in. Believe me, it was a tough call for me to do that.
I reasoned with myself, I do that because my experiences cannot be that of Ponnu’s. She has to form her own opinions, independent thoughts and act upon them. Of course, it wasn’t that there was any danger looming that I was foolhardy to send her anywhere. I think I also did that, knowing fully well, Ponnu would not be influenced by anything that folks told her. It was that which made it imperative on my part, to not sow thoughts in her tender mind that would fracture her behaviour and perceptions.
When Ponnu asked me questions with regard to my behaviour to a few I did not get along with, I had to learn to think and spell out my reasons without prejudicing her about others and me as well. It was a razor's edge, for sure. To be honest and ask her to respect my views. It is a bit funny and a bit interesting as well for me to know, how differently my child and I view people that we both know. It also puts my behaviour in perspective and I observe curiously her interactions with others.
I always wonder what makes me behave so differently with Ponnu. I don’t think I should think, analyse it too much. As long as I realize I have been given this gift in the form of a child, which reveals so many facets about her and me daily, that is enough.
As an adult, I have my share of folks I get along with very well and some that I don’t. When the latter comprises of relatives, it is a tough call as one cannot wish them away or walk away from them for keeps. They are there, just as I am.
I decided to keep these personal prejudices (they are just that most often) to myself and not let them colour my child’s view of people and the world around her. After all, I was given this opportunity to nurture her. I did not want to slip up knowingly.
It was not a pleasant task for me to tell Ponnu that this uncle or aunt of yours is nice, when I was not on talking terms with them. Of course, they are, never mind my perceptions. So I encouraged Ponnu to call them up and wish them on festivals, birthdays and whenever she felt like. If she expressed a desire to visit them, I could not accompany her there; but she was to accompany her father or cousins and drop in. Believe me, it was a tough call for me to do that.
I reasoned with myself, I do that because my experiences cannot be that of Ponnu’s. She has to form her own opinions, independent thoughts and act upon them. Of course, it wasn’t that there was any danger looming that I was foolhardy to send her anywhere. I think I also did that, knowing fully well, Ponnu would not be influenced by anything that folks told her. It was that which made it imperative on my part, to not sow thoughts in her tender mind that would fracture her behaviour and perceptions.
When Ponnu asked me questions with regard to my behaviour to a few I did not get along with, I had to learn to think and spell out my reasons without prejudicing her about others and me as well. It was a razor's edge, for sure. To be honest and ask her to respect my views. It is a bit funny and a bit interesting as well for me to know, how differently my child and I view people that we both know. It also puts my behaviour in perspective and I observe curiously her interactions with others.
I always wonder what makes me behave so differently with Ponnu. I don’t think I should think, analyse it too much. As long as I realize I have been given this gift in the form of a child, which reveals so many facets about her and me daily, that is enough.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
PTA Meetings
I think there are several personalities within oneself. The best amongst these come out when we love another deeply. I think my best self is that of the mother for it brings about a lightheartedness in me. The time I spend with my child, reveals a little interesting thing about myself and surprises me as well.
Patience is not my strong point. Yet, I can answer for a considerable time most of Ponnu's queries. In return, as Ponnu grew up, she answered most of mine. It was much fun to attend the PTA meetings in school, when Ponnu's results were out and parents were asked to accompany their children. Now, if a parent has been in daily conversation with the child, then he/she knows her friends, teachers, bus driver, conductor to even the vendor selling guavas outside the school gate. So for me attending a PTA meet was to get to know the faces behind the names I knew intimately.
PTA meetings have never been a serious issue with me. I have told Ponnu, studying is her only priority. I encourage her by saying; you are a bright student and can do well for yourself. The stress has been to see she did her school work regularly and realized the importance of studying. Once the results were out, there have not been any reprimands, for that to me is a pointless exercise. You stress yourself and your child by getting angry if the results are not good or not to your expectations.
On every occasion that I have visited Ponnu's school for PTA meets, I have had nothing to ask of the teacher. I scan the answer sheets and since Ponnu is a good student, there is nothing much to discuss there. When the teacher calls out Ponnu's name, I go up front with Ponnu and the teacher goes, she could have done even better, and I nod. Within two minutes, it is all over and we both walk out.
I have wondered why PTA meetings are such solemn occasions. I have had the most fun conversations on the back benches of Ponnu's classroom discussing softly the various silly and fun elements of her student life that academic year and Ponnu pointing out her many friends in there. When it was our turn to meet the teacher, I have had to summon a solemn expression on my face with much difficulty.
In my memory of PTA days, one occasion stands out. When her English teacher told me and Ponnu, "She is a student who can turn any situation into a success." That is all a child needs. Encouragement from people she respects. I was blessed to have met with some fine teachers who helped my child along and made my job as a parent so much easier.
Patience is not my strong point. Yet, I can answer for a considerable time most of Ponnu's queries. In return, as Ponnu grew up, she answered most of mine. It was much fun to attend the PTA meetings in school, when Ponnu's results were out and parents were asked to accompany their children. Now, if a parent has been in daily conversation with the child, then he/she knows her friends, teachers, bus driver, conductor to even the vendor selling guavas outside the school gate. So for me attending a PTA meet was to get to know the faces behind the names I knew intimately.
PTA meetings have never been a serious issue with me. I have told Ponnu, studying is her only priority. I encourage her by saying; you are a bright student and can do well for yourself. The stress has been to see she did her school work regularly and realized the importance of studying. Once the results were out, there have not been any reprimands, for that to me is a pointless exercise. You stress yourself and your child by getting angry if the results are not good or not to your expectations.
On every occasion that I have visited Ponnu's school for PTA meets, I have had nothing to ask of the teacher. I scan the answer sheets and since Ponnu is a good student, there is nothing much to discuss there. When the teacher calls out Ponnu's name, I go up front with Ponnu and the teacher goes, she could have done even better, and I nod. Within two minutes, it is all over and we both walk out.
I have wondered why PTA meetings are such solemn occasions. I have had the most fun conversations on the back benches of Ponnu's classroom discussing softly the various silly and fun elements of her student life that academic year and Ponnu pointing out her many friends in there. When it was our turn to meet the teacher, I have had to summon a solemn expression on my face with much difficulty.
In my memory of PTA days, one occasion stands out. When her English teacher told me and Ponnu, "She is a student who can turn any situation into a success." That is all a child needs. Encouragement from people she respects. I was blessed to have met with some fine teachers who helped my child along and made my job as a parent so much easier.
Eh, you are the best!
It is silly to compare your child with anyone else. Well, I realised it was only a thought and I was not practising it really.
I've told Ponnu that no matter who gets what to class by way of a better eraser or pencil, she was not to come home and ask for it. "You don't compare yourself with others. There are some things that I can afford to buy and some that I won't buy just because you want to have it, when there is no need for it." So the message was clear: No comparisons.
Yet, when the exam results were out, I'd ask, so how much did X or Y score? The answer would come pat. "Don't compare, Ma. You only said so." To compare is a habit that gets callused over the years, difficult to get off.
I believe it is most easy to infuse confidence in one's child and get her to do what she fears by simply encouraging her to believe she is the best. Ponnu's class had many toppers and though Ponnu was not a topper, she was among the best students in class.
In the final year in school, it was time for the Head Girl to be chosen. Ponnu wondered whether she should join the race. I said, go for it. "But I am not among the toppers who stand a better chance," she said. I said, "Don't let that bother you. Just go for it."
Then began preparations at home with mock sessions where I alternated from being the Principal to the Science teacher or the English teacher, all of them would be on the panel, and fire questions at Ponnu. I coached her from how to knock and enter the Principal's room (though she knew it, but no harm in repeating it again, I reckoned) to maintaining eye contact with the panel while answering, to be confident and say why Ponnu thought she was eligible for the post; the drill was on. The initial apprehensions of there being `toppers' in there vying for the post petered down as the days went by and I asked her to block it all off. On the day of the `interview', I was expectedly more nervous.
I waited anxiously for Ponnu's arrival back from school. Even with all the coaching, the result was a surprise to me. When Ponnu called up and said, "the results are out," I was quiet and said, ok. Then she said softly, "I have been chosen to be the head girl." Hearing that, I could not stop myself from shouting into the phone, "What?"
When I came home from work, Ponnu and I had a hearty laugh when I heard about the interview. Ponnu is an avid reader. Harry Potter is one of her favorite books. When the school panel asked her questions ranging from her ambition in life to what she wanted to do as a Head Girl, the best queston came last from the English teacher. "Do you read," she asked at which Ponnu said yes. The funniest question to us was, "Have you read Harry Potter?" To that Ponnu was able to talk without pause about the book and its author.
To be chosen the Head Girl was an interesting lesson for Ponnu. No matter who was in the ring, Ponnu had every chance of winning when she believed in herself. To me that was important. Every step that my child took and succeeded in going further, I was able to let go of my anxieties about her.
I've told Ponnu that no matter who gets what to class by way of a better eraser or pencil, she was not to come home and ask for it. "You don't compare yourself with others. There are some things that I can afford to buy and some that I won't buy just because you want to have it, when there is no need for it." So the message was clear: No comparisons.
Yet, when the exam results were out, I'd ask, so how much did X or Y score? The answer would come pat. "Don't compare, Ma. You only said so." To compare is a habit that gets callused over the years, difficult to get off.
I believe it is most easy to infuse confidence in one's child and get her to do what she fears by simply encouraging her to believe she is the best. Ponnu's class had many toppers and though Ponnu was not a topper, she was among the best students in class.
In the final year in school, it was time for the Head Girl to be chosen. Ponnu wondered whether she should join the race. I said, go for it. "But I am not among the toppers who stand a better chance," she said. I said, "Don't let that bother you. Just go for it."
Then began preparations at home with mock sessions where I alternated from being the Principal to the Science teacher or the English teacher, all of them would be on the panel, and fire questions at Ponnu. I coached her from how to knock and enter the Principal's room (though she knew it, but no harm in repeating it again, I reckoned) to maintaining eye contact with the panel while answering, to be confident and say why Ponnu thought she was eligible for the post; the drill was on. The initial apprehensions of there being `toppers' in there vying for the post petered down as the days went by and I asked her to block it all off. On the day of the `interview', I was expectedly more nervous.
I waited anxiously for Ponnu's arrival back from school. Even with all the coaching, the result was a surprise to me. When Ponnu called up and said, "the results are out," I was quiet and said, ok. Then she said softly, "I have been chosen to be the head girl." Hearing that, I could not stop myself from shouting into the phone, "What?"
When I came home from work, Ponnu and I had a hearty laugh when I heard about the interview. Ponnu is an avid reader. Harry Potter is one of her favorite books. When the school panel asked her questions ranging from her ambition in life to what she wanted to do as a Head Girl, the best queston came last from the English teacher. "Do you read," she asked at which Ponnu said yes. The funniest question to us was, "Have you read Harry Potter?" To that Ponnu was able to talk without pause about the book and its author.
To be chosen the Head Girl was an interesting lesson for Ponnu. No matter who was in the ring, Ponnu had every chance of winning when she believed in herself. To me that was important. Every step that my child took and succeeded in going further, I was able to let go of my anxieties about her.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
It's Christmas!
The nicest thing about being a parent is that one can do all the fun things one had imagined as one grew up. To me, as a child growing up, Christmas was richly decorated shop windows and the stars hanging out in people’s homes. I wanted to be part of those festivities and looked forward to going to friends homes. What I wanted to see there was the Christmas tree, crib and the decorations on the walls and ceilings. There is something about Christmas I can’t explain. I just love the festival.
Though we are not Christians, when Ponnu was born, I decided to celebrate Christmas. Our first Christmas was when she was two years old. I had told Ponnu the story of Christmas and since most of our waking hours were spent in reading out from story books, she knew what to expect.
With a photographer friend of mine from office, I went to Crawford market and had much fun choosing decorations and buying a small artificial tree. I love giving gifts and surprising folks a lot. So I bought a huge teddy bear (I am partial to soft toys), picture books, colour pencils and missed a few local trains so that I could get an empty local to go home in the evening. I was very, very excited. I called up home and had Ponnu busy at some task till I hid the presents. Later, with her in tow, I did up the house. Ponnu’s father, the sport that he is, also pitched in.
Ponnu wondered how Santa Claus could come to our house since it did not have a chimney. So I said, he would come through the window. At that, her father piped up. “Let him come through the living room window for I don’t want him creating a ruckus at midnight, when I am asleep!” Promptly I put a bed for both of us in the living room. I left the windows ajar, and she was too excited to sleep. At 11.45 pm, I said, `Ponnu, you go to sleep or Santa may go off seeing you awake.’ She shut her eyes and in a little while was asleep.
I went and got her presents from where I had hid them and placed them next to her pillow. A few minutes after midnight, I softly tapped her and said, `See, what Santa has left you”. With much squeals and ripping of satin bows, cellophane and coloured papers; the teddy bear and the other presents were held up with much delight. Since both of us were very excited and happy, we decided to wake up Achchan. Ponnu showed off her gifts while her father looked at me with much amusement when she said, ‘Santa gave this to me’.
On one occasion I bought a gift without giving it much thought. Ponnu was just 4 years old. I saw this cane-woven pram at Crawford market and decided to buy it. I also bought story books that I wanted Ponnu to read and colouring books as well. I decided to buy a doll to put in the pram, and got it gift wrapped. It was quite a big parcel and I had to miss even the usual late trains to go home. When I reached home, I locked the room after hiding the parcel in there.
The huge gift when seen lying down from the child’s pillow was a bit terrifying in the dark. Ponnu woke up, when I tapped her awake, and she went, 'ooh' for a split second. Then the ruckus we created tearing off the coloured paper from the pram that year still remains unmatched in my memory.
In the morning, when Ponnu’s father saw the gift I had got, he remarked , “I have yet to see a grown up woman lying in a pram”. It was then that I realized what I had done. I had got a Barbie and placed her in the pram!
Christmas continues to be our Big day. By the first week of December, we get down to tracking the Catholic lady who makes Christmas sweets, tick off from her list the delicacies we want to buy and then go and fetch it just before Christmas Day. Now we have a big tree which we bring out by Dec 20. Then both of us do it up with the many many decorations that we have collected over the years. Of course, now Ponnu does the major part and I help her out with the decorations. The only thing we haven’t done yet is attend Mass. One day soon, I am sure we will do that as well.
Ponnu wants me to find out about other religious festivals to celebrate next year. Her enthusiasm makes every day a joyous celebration. The miracles a child can infuse into an adult’s life!
Though we are not Christians, when Ponnu was born, I decided to celebrate Christmas. Our first Christmas was when she was two years old. I had told Ponnu the story of Christmas and since most of our waking hours were spent in reading out from story books, she knew what to expect.
With a photographer friend of mine from office, I went to Crawford market and had much fun choosing decorations and buying a small artificial tree. I love giving gifts and surprising folks a lot. So I bought a huge teddy bear (I am partial to soft toys), picture books, colour pencils and missed a few local trains so that I could get an empty local to go home in the evening. I was very, very excited. I called up home and had Ponnu busy at some task till I hid the presents. Later, with her in tow, I did up the house. Ponnu’s father, the sport that he is, also pitched in.
Ponnu wondered how Santa Claus could come to our house since it did not have a chimney. So I said, he would come through the window. At that, her father piped up. “Let him come through the living room window for I don’t want him creating a ruckus at midnight, when I am asleep!” Promptly I put a bed for both of us in the living room. I left the windows ajar, and she was too excited to sleep. At 11.45 pm, I said, `Ponnu, you go to sleep or Santa may go off seeing you awake.’ She shut her eyes and in a little while was asleep.
I went and got her presents from where I had hid them and placed them next to her pillow. A few minutes after midnight, I softly tapped her and said, `See, what Santa has left you”. With much squeals and ripping of satin bows, cellophane and coloured papers; the teddy bear and the other presents were held up with much delight. Since both of us were very excited and happy, we decided to wake up Achchan. Ponnu showed off her gifts while her father looked at me with much amusement when she said, ‘Santa gave this to me’.
On one occasion I bought a gift without giving it much thought. Ponnu was just 4 years old. I saw this cane-woven pram at Crawford market and decided to buy it. I also bought story books that I wanted Ponnu to read and colouring books as well. I decided to buy a doll to put in the pram, and got it gift wrapped. It was quite a big parcel and I had to miss even the usual late trains to go home. When I reached home, I locked the room after hiding the parcel in there.
The huge gift when seen lying down from the child’s pillow was a bit terrifying in the dark. Ponnu woke up, when I tapped her awake, and she went, 'ooh' for a split second. Then the ruckus we created tearing off the coloured paper from the pram that year still remains unmatched in my memory.
In the morning, when Ponnu’s father saw the gift I had got, he remarked , “I have yet to see a grown up woman lying in a pram”. It was then that I realized what I had done. I had got a Barbie and placed her in the pram!
Christmas continues to be our Big day. By the first week of December, we get down to tracking the Catholic lady who makes Christmas sweets, tick off from her list the delicacies we want to buy and then go and fetch it just before Christmas Day. Now we have a big tree which we bring out by Dec 20. Then both of us do it up with the many many decorations that we have collected over the years. Of course, now Ponnu does the major part and I help her out with the decorations. The only thing we haven’t done yet is attend Mass. One day soon, I am sure we will do that as well.
Ponnu wants me to find out about other religious festivals to celebrate next year. Her enthusiasm makes every day a joyous celebration. The miracles a child can infuse into an adult’s life!
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