Ask and say why

I can never spank Ponnu. But the flip side to it is that it is easy to make Ponnu grasp what I expect of her. So the three year old Ponnu, whom I never let go unsupervised to play in the building compound until then, was allowed to go ‘cos she `spoke’ to me about it. “Why can’t I go alone?” I cloaked the answer by saying that I was away at work and she would have to go with the maid. “But why can’t I go alone?” she persisted. I could not have let her in on my fears that I worried she’d be lost away from my sight or anyone I considered responsible to take care of her. So, I began what I have since then done. Told her what I expected of her and gave her the reasons why I do what I do. “You can go down to play, but the moment you decide to move off from this ground from where I or the maid can see you, to the back of the building where the swings are, you must come and let me know. For, I don’t want to go and ask anyone, where are you.” She nodded her head and that is what she did. Always. Kept me in the know of what she is doing.

There has always been this abhorrence of asking anyone about Ponnu. She is my child. If she has something to say and do, she will let me know. I haven’t really sat the little Ponnu down and spoken with her. But the talks in my interactions with her have been of what I thought she ought to do. I have held that dream close to my heart – of my child and me and the fun that it is. I have followed just that through. So, there are no talks of `Don’t do this'. Why bring in the negatives at all. Just say, do this. If she was not convinced, considering that she was just three or four years old then, I have still given her the reasons nevertheless. I think I did that for I wanted to have complete openness in our relationship.

It was funny when I told Ponnu, `Never take anything that does not belong to you, without asking for permission’, and she interpreted it the way she wanted to, at first. So the three year old would go running to her father’s work table and pick up what she fancied, either paperweights or rulers or pencils, and ask, “Can I take this, achcha?” and without waiting for his reply would give herself the permission, “Ok” and run off. By the time achchan looked up from his paper work, she’d be gone and he’d go, Ponnu bring it here and she’d run back and show him what she had taken. Of course, I had to then tell her, it was not on. She laughed, knowing fully well what she had done.

I think, it is important to give our reasons for what we ask of our children, just like we do with adults. Not just that, but let the child argue if she has not understood the reasons why. Like I tell Ponnu always, I don’t know the answers to all your queries. I cannot. But if you think you know, and as you grow up and know more through books, the Net, your friends, and feel what I have said is not right, argue. I said, if I am very angry when I speak and say, Of course not, just do as I say to you; just stand your ground, if you are right. Don’t shout or go away in a huff. Or best, just be calm. When I am calm, come back and talk to me about it. It works. It has for me.