I believed

I have always thought in depth about life. How easy it is for some folks to get what they want in life. And how much more struggle I had to put in to get what I wanted. This thought persisted for a major part of my life. Until I realized, of course after loads of self pity and comfort in tears, that what I lacked was self belief. I did not believe I was good enough for anything. And fuelled it with sad thoughts and imagined hurts.

The first time I really believed good about myself and sustained it, it turned out to be true. I believed I would have a daughter and that I would raise her well. I saw the life with my child much before she was born and not once did the picture waver.

I started `talking' with Ponnu even as she was in my womb. Of course you don't know for sure the gender of the baby. But it does not matter. You have a baby within you and you connect. I would walk down a road and tell the baby in my mind, of course, now amma is seeing this or doing that. The best was when I would dash quickly to cross the road or run to get into the local train. Baby, here goes. Now run. Phew! We made it, baby.

When Ponnu was born, I was happy to talk with her, hold her close and see her as I talked. And what did I tell her? Stories of The Wise Crow, Fox and the Grapes, Hare and the Tortoise and several such which came readily to my mind. All these were accompanied with sounds of the birds, animals – in short, the works. And everyone around smiled. An uncle looked surprised. `You are talking to the week old baby in English? Will she understand? And what are you telling her stories like this for?’ I wanted her to know my voice. Know this was amma. Now, who really is worried about what anyone thinks about me talking nonstop? Well, that was the first revelation for me. I was confident about myself as a mother.

A child needs just love, trust and loads of respect. So simple. Just as we adults do. It is so easy really being patient with a child. You don’t call names to the one who is yours. You get angry at times. But it is so easy to say, I am very angry with you now. Just as one responds to a good gesture with -- I appreciate what you have done or go on and on with thank-yous; similarly, say you are angry when you are. Don't call a child names.

To be able to show the infant Ponnu the world outside our window, the first thing in the morning and say, "Hey princess.. look at the world". Point out the leaves on trees, the birds. To ask, "Can you see the sun?" And the baby just looks on.. To make everything from feeds to baths to combing hair a BIG activity. It just is for a new mother.

Of course I got angry and impatient many times. Once even thought, hey, what possessed me to have a baby when I did not understand what she was crying for and nothing pacified her. God, what do I really know about children except for those times I have seen them in their mothers' arms and all I did was tickle them under their chin and watch them gurgle. But this was my baby 24x7. She cried, she smiled. I did not have the answers to it all, though she was mine.

Hey, I just realized, perhaps this blog will be about Ponnu. Well, why not? A child is indeed god’s whisper calling out loud. Hug her, kiss her and keep her close.