Mother's Fears

As a mother, I have innumerable fears. Well, some of them can now be termed in the past tense. I am not going to spell out everything for I think it will only reinforce some of them. The initial fears of losing my child in a crowd refused to shake off years later.

A four or five-year-old Ponnu’s hand can be clasped firmly in mine in a public place and I can quell my fears. Or take her physically and deposit her down to her grandma’s house when she went there weekly to pay a visit. It was then unthinkable to send her off with anyone except her father. But as Ponnu grew older, I realized I could not do much in the matter.

It was like the time I would pick out Ponnu’s clothes for her. Until she was three years old or thereabouts and then she wanted to have a say in the matter. In my defense, I‘d like to say, I am graceful where Ponnu is concerned. I respect her. But I don’t think it would extend to any limits that I don’t consider safe or not right. A parent is a parent is a parent. Can’t escape that at times, methinks.

When Ponnu started going to college, though it was my decision to send her some distance away from where we stay so that she learnt to travel by the local trains, I still had my foot in the door. Ponnu was to message me when she boarded the train, when she reached college and also when she left for home. Initially Ponnu was okay with it. At times, she’d come up with, “Other parents don’t ask this of their children.” My answer always remained, “I am not comparing you to other children, so you don’t compare me to other parents.”

This arrangement of constant messaging lasted until one day, Ponnu said, she wanted to know why she had to punch in so many messages to me. “Is this a question of trust,” she asked. “Not at all, “ I said. “On the contrary, this is to do with my knowing you are safe.” “Then one message should do,” she said. It was then time to sit down and sort this out. “You are my only child,” I began. To that the repartee was quick. “Some of my friends are single children like me and they don’t have to message or call back as often as I do.” I thought for a while and said, “As a mother, my heart walks outside of me when you are not within sight.” I had read this somewhere long ago. Trust Ponnu to come up with, “Then, you must tell your heart to stay in its place, Ma. I am not getting lost or losing my way. Even if I do, I can ask and find my way.”

I am a parent. I just know that I worry. So I told Ponnu we could come to an agreement. Just one message to tell me when she has finished college for the day would be nice and I could message her instead, if I was eager. “Don’t worry, Ma. I will call you,” she said. Ponnu does that.