`My' Way

I have never wanted Ponnu to obey me. When she was too little to understand, the power wrested with me to dress her the way I wanted to, feed her, take her out, read to her – everything was my decision. As she began to understand things, I would explain why we needed to do things the way we did. That there were `desirable’ and `undesirable’ behaviour and she needed to make her choices with care.

Somewhere down the line, I found that I had in me `Do it my way’ commands which I gave in to, without pausing to reflect. On one occasion, Ponnu and I went to buy her shoes. Ponnu liked one style and colour and I, another. There was nothing wrong with Ponnu’s choice. Neither was it exorbitant or flimsy or even unfit for a child to wear. Yet, since I liked the other colour on display even more, I wanted Ponnu to buy it. She reluctantly did. But I found my answer when she never wore that pair of shoes. I asked her about it. “I don’t like it much Ma. I did tell you then. But if you insist, I will wear it now.”

Another time, Ponnu wanted a jacket. I did not find the time to go shopping with her. On way to an assignment, I was passing by a shop where I saw a sea green colour jacket that I liked. So I bought it for Ponnu though I know she is not too fond of the colour. Ponnu saw the jacket and said, “I wish you had asked before you bought it for me. I would have liked us to go together and buy it. I don’t like this colour.” The rebuffed parent in me stood up in all anger and I told her off.

I could easily have got Ponnu to wear what I wanted to. But that is not the way I want us to be. There is no joy in getting anyone to obey.